Don’t Be Afraid of Fear of the Dawn
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dawn: A Hyperbole Free Review of Jack White’s New Album
Jack White Slays on New Long Play
Fear of the Dawn, Jack White’s latest solo effort is about what you’d expect; loud, weird, and really fucking good. Since the beginning of his career, White has been making guitar based rock music that appeals to music nerds and general rock fans at once. The musicianship, guitar geekery, and technical prowess appeals to the nerds, while the crunchy riffs, howling vocals, and catchy, anthemic choruses that sound great at the shows bring in the masses.
On Fear of the Dawn, the first of two LPs White plans to release this year, Jack is operating on his own having recorded these records during the pandemic. The isolated approach allowed White to mix in some digital effects into his traditionally analogue approach resulting in an album that sounds fresh and modern while retaining a lot of classic rock sensibilities.
Good from the Jump
From the jump Fear of the Dawn grabs you. It’s loud, it’s quirky, it’s classic Jack White. The fuzzy almost electronic guitar is searing and aggressive. It’s like your ears are getting tattooed. The buzz crackling in your head long after the song is over.
White continues this sonic assault across the rest of the album. The title track and The White Raven have the same buzzy guitars layered over solid, crisp driving drums.
Hi-De-Ho sounds like it would belong right next to an Eminem song on a late 90’s early 2000’s horror music soundtrack. Its weird af, but has an instantly head bopping sound and memorable bass riff that will stick in your head long after your first listen.
That was Then, This is Now could have been on any White Stripes album. It’s got a classic memorable riff and a sing along verse and chorus that will have you unable to resist bopping your head along to the beat.
Many of the songs on this record have a very classic rock, 70’s, bluesy, almost sleazy sound to them. Morning, Noon and Night and Shedding My Velvet best exemplify this sound, but it’s a sound that’s embedded deep in the heart of this album. The production is big and bold and many of White’s choices make this sound like an unreleased Led Zeppelin album. The drums are big, the rhythm is hard and driving.
The production is tight, crisp, and clean. Grab this on vinyl and listen through a good set of headphones for the full effect. Jack White is a master of creating memorable albums that keep rock and roll alive while infusing it with fresh and modern blood.
Wrap-Up
This album is weird af. The lyrics are wild, the song structures are unique, but don’t let that scare you off. If you’ve enjoyed Jack White’s music in the past, whether The White Stripes or solo or any of his other bands, you’re probably going to easily find an entry point into this album. I say embrace the weirdness, turn it up as loud as you possibly can and rock the fuck out.
Introducing Weekly (probably not) NEW MUSIC Playlists!
Here’s this week’s playlist! Featuring new music from Sammy Hagar, Weezer, Pixey, and Pixies!
We’re SO excited to announce a brand new, amazing new feature EXCLUSIVELY available to anyone who reads this blog. The Absolute Best New Music playlists will be published weekly (when we remember) featuring the absolute best new music released each week. These playlists will be on Apple Music because we aren’t monsters.
Get started with our inaugural absolute best new music playlist here! This week’s playlist features AMAZING new music from The Linda Lindas, Father John Misty, Envy of None, Jack White, Wet Leg and SO MUCH MORE!
Best Albums of 2021
2021 was a tremendous year for music. A terrible year for just about everything else. But a great year for music. The year was led by massive releases from established superstars like Taylor Swift and Adele as well as breakthrough smash hits from new artists like mammothWVH. Many of these artist also hit the road among the ongoing global pandemic making for the one of the most bizarre year’s in music history.
For our purposes here, it’s mostly about indie music/indie rock with prominent young woman artists leading the way as they have been for the past few years. So, here it is, the HyperboleFree Best albums of 2021!
Taylor Swift Red (Taylor’s Version)
Taylor Swift has been re-recording her past works as a way to free herself from ownership issues that have plagued her the last few years. Re-recording her classic LPs is giving her freedom over her music and earning potential that she has not had since Scooter Braun acquired her catalogue. These re-releases have been phenomenal and packed with extras, but Red (Taylor’s Version) is special. My favorite TSwift album has new life and vibrancy here. These songs sound incredible, flow well together and sound new, fresh and important. A 10 minute version of her breakup hit All Too Well got the headlines (and rightfully so) but the entire album including the new songs are incredible. Red (Taylor’s version) is our album of the year.
Pom Pom Squad Death of a Cheerleader
Until Taylor Swift dropped the atom bomb that is Red (Taylor’s Version) this was an early candidate for my record of the year. Honestly, ordering my top 10 was near impossible. This record appeals to my 90’s sensibilities and it just flat out kicks ass. A kills cover of Crimson and Clover hooks you, but fun, singable songs like Crying and Be Good locks you in. And then there’s Drunk Voicemail. One of my favorite songs of the year.
At just 22, Lindsey Jordan has already released some really incredible music, but Valentine is her magnum opus. This album delivers on emotion and lush sonic landscapes. As with many albums on this list, there are 90’s throwbacks, but delivered sounding fresh contemporary. Lindsey’s voice is beautiful and complimented perfectly by her guitar playing.
Halsey If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power
When this was announced it sounded bananas. Halsey, one of the decades most vibrant and interesting artists teaming up with Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross to deliver a real reflection on childbirth and motherhood. Like pop records do right? The results? Spectacular. For NIN fans, this is like a fresh, contemporary version of Nine Inch Nails with a distinctly feminine perspective. Trent and Atticus fingerprints are all over the sound of this record, but they compliment and highlight Halsey who is the star here. A gloomy, brooding, industrial record that is a reflection of modern times. I am not a woman I am a god is a rallying cry for women. Honey is the highlight here. Perfect pop for an imperfect time.
Capitalization doesn’t stand a chance against Olivia Rodrigo. And neither do the ears and hearts of fans steamrolled by this preposterously good album. Pop perfection, each song is seemingly more infectious than the previous. Hit after hit here. What appealed to me was the elastica influenced opener brutal, but good 4 u, driver’s license, and traitor are all just incredible examples of what makes pop so good in 2021.
This was a tough call. Released early in the year, Little Oblivions found its way into my my soul. Such a brilliant, emotive collection of beautiful songs. For quite a while this was my top album of the year. Every song is a highlight. Definitely worth checking out.
I’d missed this album for most of the year despite it getting rave reviews and being squarely in my wheelhouse. But once I listened I was smitten. From the opening beauty of Paprika to the absolutely epic Posing for Cars, this is an epic album. The guitar here is fantastic and the vocals are fantastic.
Brandi Carlile In These Silent Days
Geez. This album is a lot. Brandi’s voice is undeniable and she leaves it all on this record. This is an emotional record from beginning to end.
There’s a lot of sadness in the records I loved this year, but this one is fun. Melodic, poppy, heavy, rock and roll. This reminds me of the best of Paramore. AND a Robert Smith cameo on How Not to Drown.
Theres “good” Weezer albums and there’s “not good” Weezer albums. Now, I love them all, but there are albums that are just packed with great songwriting and infectious grooves (Blue, Green, Black) or even flashes of brilliance (Pinkerton). This is among Weezer’s best work. Fun of catchy numbers worthy of their biggest non-Africa hits as well as well constructed Pinkerton level songs, OK Human is a good Weezer album and a good album. All my Favorite Songs and Here Comes the Rain are best examples of amazing songs fro this classic band.
Wow. The first 2 Garbage albums are absolute classics and this album stands proudly right alongside of them. Shirley Manson delivers deep lyrics full of emotion and empowerment and remains one of rock’s best front persons. There’s a bit of an industrial sound here which really elevates and modernizes the Garbage sound. Great fucking record.
What can I say, the kids has chops. This brand of rock is very reminiscent of 2000’s rock that wasn't really my jams, however Wolfgang’s pure talent elevates this songs to something really special. Wolf plays ever note of every instrument here and shows off his pipes. The video for Distance turned every middle aged Van Halen fan into a pool of jello, and the rest of these hard rock numbers brought us back. Rock is dead? Not if Wolfgang Van Halen has anything to say about it.
Matthew Sweet has spent an entire career putting out solid records. His soaring voice, infectious melodies, and interesting guitar and bass work helped define alternative music in the 90’s and still do today. I am a Stan and found this album to be among his best. Te songs here aren’t as catchy as those on Girlfriend or 100% Fun, but they are catchy and fun. This album is a little heavier than most of his work. Great album that any Sweet fan is going to enjoy.
The Mountain Goats Dark In Here
The Mountain Goats continue to put out perfect hipster music. I mean with song titles like The Destruction of the Kola Superdeep Borehole Tower and Arguing With the Ghost of Peter Laughner About His Coney Island Baby Review what do you expect. The band moves from bouncy jangly alt pop to more moody, slower acoustic ruminations that really shine.
Foo Fighters Medicine at Midnight
My first concert since the pandemic was Foo Fighters on this tour. It was post vaccine, outdoors and things were looking up. Well, its been downhill from there, but this record holds up. Waiting on a War, Shame Shame and the title track are all classic BIG sounding rock songs that fit in right alongside classic foos. Fun, loud rock and roll from the torch bearers for rock and roll.
Manchester Orchestra The Million Masks of God
Another hipster/bear rock band putting out consistently great material. My son turned me on to this band and I’ve been a stan ever since. Andy Hull’s voice is as unique as his songwriting. This is a band that puts together complex arrangements full of interesting instrumentation all layered upon Andy’s vocals. Angel of Death and Bed Head are among my favorite songs of the year. Fantastic.
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers Angel Dream
Ok. She’s The One Original Motion Picture Soundtrack is my favorite Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers album. That soundtrack has been reimagined as its own new posthumous record detached from the movie and its still my favorite. Its a little different as some songs originally intended for Wildflowers are here and some songs including the incredible California are on the Wildflowers re-release. Despite those changes, this album is so good. Like a compliment to Wildflowers but brilliant on its on. Don’t sleep on this Petty record.
I’m still digging into this record but from the first listen I knew I loved this record. Tamara Lindeman’s voice is unbelievable. This is Canadian folk rock focused on the climate crisis and somehow it’s endlessly listenable. I look forward to spending more time with this record.
Lorde continues to put our interesting, complicated, unique music. Solar Power is no different. California and the title track are standouts, but the entire album is worth digging it to just to hear her voice.
St. Vincent is Beck and Prince wrapped into one. Daddy’s Home showcases St. Vincent’s voice around a lounge pop soundscape that sounds timeless, but thanks to that Jack Antonoff magic it also sounds modern and contemporary.
Kacey’s voice has an ethereal quality to it coupled with that unique twang. This is a gloomy pop record full of moody ballads and mid tempo pop songs. Justified is an ear worm and a great representation of this album’s sound. The general topic of heartbreak is clear throughout and Kacey does a great job moving into the pop scene. There’s a brilliant short film that accompanies this album and brings the themes to life visually. Paramount + only though.
iPod Turns 20
I was in training to work at Apple when Steve Jobs announced the iPod twenty years ago today. We paused training to read about the device for a bit before resuming training. There was some excitement but a lot of questions.
One of my first official tasks at Apple was demoing iPod to the crowd gathered at the Grand Opening of the Apple Store in Cincinnati on November 3rd 2001. Apple sent a prototype with 4 songs on it, brief instructions on the “click wheel” and clear direction that customers were not to touch it. I showed off the device to the bemused crowd. I also took a list of names of people interested in the new device the list was short.
I still have my original iPod and will fire it up to see if it still works and what I was listening to 20 years ago. I wrote more extensively about iPod 5 years ago. You can find that here.
Today, I’ll get out this workhorse of a music player, charge it up and listen to whatever I listened to 20 years ago.
X Years Ago…Remembering Steve Jobs
Ten years ago tonight the news broke that Steve Jobs had passed.
I was home. Watching the news. It wasn’t wholly unexpected as Steve had been sick but it felt like I’d been punched in the gut when I heard the actual news. I was working for Apple at the time, actually I was just a few days shy of my tenth anniversary with the company. I remember telling my wife. I recall texting some friends. I remember feeling numb.
Steve was my hero. Flawed, never perfect, and not a hero I’d ever wanted to meet, but a hero nonetheless. Steve had changed the world with product after product that impacted my life in some very big way. The Mac. OS X. iPod. iPhone. iPad. These were all just pieces of technology, but they spoke to me. I found ways to stay connected, discover new information, share my thoughts, become immersed in music, movies, and photography. Anytime I have a presentation to give, I watch Steve introducing iPhone. Steve had a way of inspiring while informing, of making the ordinary seem extraordinary (the “reality distortion field”)
Steve’s company gave me a career. Unfortunately my time at Apple was marred by terrible human beings that took the worst parts of everything and twisted Steve’s vision in ways that made my time there less than ideal. It’s interesting though, that when Steve died I headed straight to the Apple Store. I wanted to be there. I needed to be there. A few friends had the same idea. We converged at the store and cried, laughed, shared stories, and cried some more. While we were there we received word from Cupertino to dim the lights on the Apple logo. Something I don’t believe had been done in a decade. It was surreal and probably a little dumb, but watching those lights go out was incredibly emotional and symbolic.
Steve wasn’t a perfect man. In fact, by most accounts he was kind of an asshole. But he was a genius. He had a vision that he was able to manifest time and time again in ways that changed the way we looked at, interacted with, and appreciated technology. Some people don’t get it. And that’s fine. I’m glad I was one of the ones who did.
My time at Apple is long in the rear view, and honestly a lot of my passion for the company has also dimmed much like those lights the night Steve died. I still love and their products, I still think of Jobs as an innovator, a legend, and a hero. RIP Steve. Think Different.
I’ve got Another Confession To Make. A Hyperbole Free Review of the First Foo Fighters Show in a LONG Time
I’ve got another confession to make. I went to a concert last night as the COVID-19 pandemic rages. And it was glorious.
The Foo Fighters originally planned a tour to celebrate their 25th anniversary last year following the same itinerary and hitting the same cities as their first tour. COVID had other plans. So they rescheduled and while the pandemic is still among us, and 8,000 fans crammed onto the lawn outside the new Andrew J Brady ICON Music Center in Cincinnati to give the virus a rock and roll sized middle finger.
The new venue is fine, an outdoor stage and a grassy knoll along the river with a sweeping view of the Cincinnati skyline. There is also an indoor theater as part of the complex. The Foos could have played Riverbend and originally this show was supposed to be at US Bank Arena, but this was perfect. A bit more intimate, everyone felt close to the stage. Radkey opened and they were awesome, definitely going to check them out more. The crowd reacted well to these punk rockers, but we were there for one thing, the Foo freaking Fighters.
The band hit the stage at 8:30. Dave Grohl, rock’s kindest god, stood at the front of the stage for about 5 minutes, grinning from ear to ear, his constant companion, that blue guitar slung low around his body. “I’m just going to take this in for a minute. It’s been awhile.” We needed a minute to take it all in ourselves.
From that moment on, 8:30-11, the Foo Fighters didn’t stop fighting. And neither did the crowd. Sure, Dave took a few minutes here and there to introduce the band, to call out some fans, to catch his breath and let us catch ours, but it was a 21 song assault that included new songs, old songs, classic songs, and of course a few covers. Your favorite song was probably played and if it wasn’t there were enough sing along, sorry shout along tunes to keep you on your feet, give you goosebumps, and ensure you wouldn’t be able to speak the next day. I am not sure how Dave does it, screaming for nearly three hours without a crack, a mistake, or blowing out his vocal chords. Standouts of the night from Dave were The Pretender, Rope, My Hero, These Days, Walk, Best of You, and Monkey Wrench. The crowd screamed along with every single word he said.
One particularly magical moment came mid-show during the song Walk. During the lyrics, “
Forever, whenever, I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees, I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die”
there seemed to be a physical and emotional release. The entire audience shouting those words back at Dave almost in response to the last year was overwhelming. I literally sobbed. I don’t want to die. And am glad I haven’t. Yet. This show seemed like a reward for 16 months of wearing masks, avoiding people, washing my hands till they bled, and grieving the loss of 600,000 Americans. We’re not out of the woods yet, but I felt hopeful. At least for a moment. I’ve always loved this song, and now its among my favorites. By the Foos or anyone else.
Dee Gees
There was a fun moment when the Dee Gees made their appearance. Just two songs from the bands latest covers EP, You Should Be Dancing and Shadow Dancing. All of the hot moms and dads around us went bananas for these songs and everyone seemed to have a blast taking a moment to dance their asses off. Everyone except maybe Pat Smear who looked like he was thinking “I was the touring guitarist for Nirvana for Christ’s sake” during these two disco songs.
Taylor Freaking Hawkins
Can we talk about Taylor Hawkins for a minute? I love the guy. Like he might be my favorite person. And this is in a band that includes Dave Grohl. Taylor gets his moment to shine, even his friend Dave calls it out during his introduction; “He likes to hear how many people love him.” And we do. Taylor and Dave switch places and for me it’s the best part of the night. Tonight it was Queen’s “Somebody to Love” and it was GLORIOUS. Taylor can sing his ass off, wears Van Halen board shorts everywhere, and is just the coolest dude alive. He did of course return the love reminding everyone, for a moment while he sings we get to see one of rock’s greatest drummers play. And that always hits me. I get to see the drummer for freaking Nirvana. It’s a fun moment and I am forever a Taylor Hawkins stan.
The band eschewed an encore saying simply they could walk off the stage for a minute and what for the call back, but they wanted to squeeze as many songs in as they could. I called the first encore. Dave walked around and talked to everyone in the band, switched guitars, and hit a note. “Monkey Wrench” I called to my son. Sure as shit they SCREAMED their way through this classic. Then wrapped up with Everlong, of course, as the hour struck 11.
Consumate pros. Rock gods. Cool dudes. This was an epic night. Thank you.
This Blog’s The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’s Review
My AMC A-List subscription re-activated today after a pandemic’s long pause. I am still a bit wary of people. And places. And things. And dying of a debilitating virus. But I am vaccinated and the theater in my neighborhood is amazingly still open despite always being empty. I opened up my AMC app, downloaded the update, changed my password and looked at the movies showing today. Fast 9 Saga was playing on 2 theaters and had a handful of seats sold; far more seats than I would have been comfortable sitting with for the 9th movie in a series of which I’ve seen none of the previous entries. Peter Rabbit 2, no….The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard you say? OK.
So for my first time back in an empty theater I chose to see The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard. Now, I knew next to nothing about this film. I’d vaguely seen a trailer or commercial for it. I knew Ryan Reynolds (the hitman?), Salma Hayek (the bodyguard?) and Nick Fury (the wife?) were in it. and I assumed it had something to do with a bodyguard guarding the body of the wife of a hitman. That’s about all you need to know.
This movie is loud. There’s a lot of gun shots, it’s very loud. Salma Hayek is still hot as a firecracker, though I shouldn’t say still, because here character gets very angry and the insinuation that she is old (she’s not). Ryan Reynolds spends almost the entirety of the film covered in brains and blood. And is also still as hot as a firecracker. A firecracker covers in brains and blood I suppose. Oh yeah Samuel Jackson is in this. And he plays Samuel L Jackson. You know what you’re getting here.
Look this movie seems like a bunch of folks were sitting around getting high at Reynold’s place and decided to shoot a nonsense movie. It doesn’t make a lick of sense and despite it being set in the real world, there are some comically outrageous things that happen to these characters physically. Salma Hayek is actually pretty great delivering every line with an effortless whiplash speed and confidence that ensure all her jokes land. Unfortunately every joke is just an endless stream of profanity, again its like these folks got together and said “let’s make a movie where we get to shoot a lot, cuss a lot, and have fun over the course of a weekend without putting a lot of effort in. Does anyone have Morgan Freeman’s number?”
I am not entirely sure of the plot here, something about Antonio Banderas (oh yeah he’s totally in it) wanting to destroy Europe, there’s a confusing infertility sub-plot as well. And (spoiler alert) Morgan Freeman is Reynold’s dad until Hayek and Jackson adopt him.
Anyway, my A-List subscription renewed and I’m back at the movies.
The Afghan Whigs, Black Love
Released on March 12, 1996 Black Love by The Afghan Whigs is probably my favorite album of all time.
Yes, that’s a bold claim. There are other albums I adore, that have meant a lot to me, Appetite for Destruction and Nevermind come to mind, but Black Love spoke to me in way that other albums, really any other art, never did or has since.
Black Love took everything that The Afghan Whigs did well, grungy club guitar rock, lush soundscapes, R&B influences, and most importantly deep, dark introspection, and perfected it. Greg Dulli’s best work always seems cinematic in nature, his albums play out like noir films projected through smoke and dust straight onto your heart, and his songs make up the individual scenes to those “movies”. Nowhere does this analogy play out more than with Black Love. Dulli’s contract with Elektra was more than just a recording contract, there were options for movies, books, producing and more, most of which never materialized. Black Love plays like a soundtrack for a movie that was never made.
Original sealed 1996 Sub Pop Release and 20th Anniversary Edition
The stage is set with Crime Scene Part One.
Tonight, tonight
I say goodbye
To everyone who loves me
With this line, Greg Dulli begins his dark tale. A crime has been committed. In the movie, a murder perhaps, on vinyl, a broken heart- a murder in its own right.
I hear the whispers, baby
If what they say is true
They say I killed the brother
To fall in love with you
The dark theme continues on My Enemy, Double Day and Blame, Etc. Dulli speaks of love, alcohol, despair, crucification, revenge, and blame. These songs, like the bulk of the movie pack in so much vivid detail. Dulli’s vocals are cloaked in rage, sadness, and cigarette smoke. The band, including Rick McCollum, John Curley, and drummer Paul Buchignani are at the peak of their powers here backing up Greg’s words. While these songs fit in on any alternative radio rotation from the 90’s, they are elevated by talent, skill, experience and musicianship. Something special is happening here as this twisted tale unfolds.
Whenever the light shines
And the stillness is shaken
And the drug of your smile has gone
And left me alone
I need it bad, I need it now
Won't you come and give me some?
I need it sweet, baby please
Won't you answer the phone?
Step into the light, baby
Black Love hits its emotional crescendo with the intentional ballad Step Into The Light. My favorite Afghan Whigs song plays like a heartfelt ballad screaming out for lost love in desperation. This is a song to both make love to and to break up to. Greg steps back from yelling into the abyss hear and gives us a raw, authentic performance that gives me chills nearly every time I hear it. Its a sparse song whose lyrics and feelings hang the in air like cigarette smoke and the scent of whiskey and sex.
If Step Into The Light is the emotional climax of the album, Going to Town and Honkey’s Ladder are the action climax. The band is searing of both of these tracks, particularly Honkey’s Ladder which sounds like a machine gun echoing in your head. Dulli goes ALL OUT here, screaming into the abyss thematically and literally about burning the whole place down. This is where things go to the edge and nearly fall apart. On screen, these songs would play out as tense action leaving you on the edge of your seat, on the turntable its the same, you want to turn it up and scream along with Greg.
We slow things down a bit with Night By Candlelight, a brooding, plodding ballad repeats the same words over and over, a hymn to despair that asks the questions
Am I vain? have I shame?
Are my thoughts of a man
Who can call himself sane?
Do I blame, all my pain
On the wickedness
I have arranged?
Dulli is questioning everything in this song, the existential crisis of the album laid bare. All of this is simply building to the climax, the crescendo, the resolution of this movie. Dulli attempts to cast out the demons he is feeling in Bulletproof and Summer’s Kiss, while the band provides a heart pounding musical landscape for him to tell his tale. Bulletproof is the chase scene…
The waiting's over
So get on down
This time we go a little lower
The sun has broke
I stretch it out
And throw some gas into the fire
The song is thrilling, sensual and raucous. A dream, a nightmare, on display as the narrator our hero deals with his demons.
Summer’s Kiss demands to be heard live. The band displaying their prowess in this short but exhilarating 4 minutes. A reflection of love, loss, despair and redemption Greg begs Demons be gone! And finds himself ultimately alone at the end. Live this song whips the crowd into a frenzy with its brief build up intro, which once the intro ends and the guitars, bass and drums hit, it doesn’t let up emotionally or musically. Your exhausted, physically and emotionally. The song feels like an end of sorts, Summer’s Kiss is over after all. Shout out to my birth year 1973 too. ;)
This album, this story, this dark tale, a screenplay written out in lyrics screamed and guitars blazed upon a bedrock of an unbelievable rhythm tapped out on drums and bass can only end one way. Epically.
Faded, is an epic. In Bothe sheers cope, size and responsibility. On its shoulders it carries the weight of finishing the story laid out before it. And it does so in epic fashion. A simple piano intro build to a crescendo a familiar melody interlaced with the melodic guitars, crashing drums and sweeping instrumentation. Often, this song will include a connection to Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me. This song plays the same in tiny clubs as it would in giant arenas, its a big song upon which Greg resolves his dark story of love, hope, desperation, and regret. The song build upon Greg’s please and Rick’s guitar screams finally finding a spot for the story to end with a crash and a twinkle of piano playing out like the end credits scene of a hefty drama.
You can believe in me, baby
Can I believe in you?
That secret's gonna kill you
In the end
It's gonna kill
You
I love this album. It came to me at a dark time in my life, but a time where things were starting to turn around. Just a few years later I’d find love, my own resolution to my tale. While the emotions on display here no linger resonate with me as they did when I was in may 20’s the power on display still finds its way into that scar on my heart which will all carry. If you don’t know the Whigs, this may not be the best place to drop in. It’s dark, brooding, intense, scary. But if you’re looking for a good “movie” to watch on a Friday night, if you’re mending a broken heart, or reflecting on a broken soul, pour yourself a sifter of bourbon, light a cigarette and disappear into one of the greatest albums ever made.
So, I found my biological mom last week…
So, I found my biological mom last week. She’s dead.
Editor Note- I usually won’t use this site for a lot of personal stuff, but will occasionally. This was huge news and this is my available medium to share.
A little bit of my “origin” story. I was adopted. Obviously. When I was five. My adopted mother, JoAnne died shortly after. It was just me and my dad, Ray, for awhile and it was pretty great.
I knew I was adopted. I remember always living with Ray and JoAnne and I vividly recall my adoption. My biological mother was just this woman named Pam that was around occasionally. My biological father, Richard, was around even less if at all. They…they didn’t treat me well. I remember some. I suppressed a lot.
I also had younger siblings. Chris and Mandy. I vaguely remember them…
My dad remarried and suddenly I had a mom, Jean, and a brother, Bob. I lost my dad at 16. Honestly, it’s much tougher than you’d imagine for your only family to be a step family. I love them, but at this point I felt more like a orphan. Abused and neglected by my birth parents, abandoned by my adopted parents, and not well-connected to my step family. My friends became my family and always have been.
I never really had any desire to find my biological family. The only feelings I had for my birth parents were anger and ambivalence. For my siblings, only curiosity.
When my dad passed away, they all tracked me down. I received a call from my brother. I ignored him. My birth mother followed up. I yelled at her. My birth father was next. He left a message with a number. I ignored this as well. I boxed up my emotions and shoved them deep down inside.
I never much wanted to find them. I filled my life with my friends, and eventually my own family. I’d think about my siblings from time to time. I question why they weren’t adopted with me. I wonder if they had a good childhood. Curious if they are good people. But never motivated to seek them out and scared what I’d find if I did.
When I met Rebecca, I found my family. When we had Wesley I had a blood relative. I was happy.
I would still think about my biological family from time to time, but at nearly 50, I knew the likelihood of my birth parents being alive was getting less and less and the possibility of finding my siblings and having any type of relationship was also diminishing.
About two years ago I decided to get my adoption paperwork. The state of Ohio opened these records a while back so I figured why not. Even with this paperwork, there wasn’t much to go on. I did some cursory searching, but again I was never super motivated to find them, and honestly not sure what I wanted or would do if I did.
Recently I had to get Wesley’s social security card out of our lockbox, and came across my paperwork again. I decided to search my birth mother again (my birth father’s common name Richard Smith-yes I was a Junior- makes searching for him nearly impossible). And this time something came up. An obituary.
The first name, middle name and maiden name matched. Has did the birth year. The city and state of birth didn’t match…and there was no other info on the obit. If it had my siblings names? Case closed. Done deal. But nothing.
After a few days with this info I called the funeral home. They said there was really no other information they could provide me. A dead end. Literally. I said look, I know my biological siblings names. They said they couldn’t tell me what they had, but if I gave them the names I had they would say yes or no. I said “Chris and Mandy, Christopher and Amanda I guess.” After a pause that seemed to be an eternity, she responded. “Yes, Mr. Richmond.”
So, there it is. I found my biological mom. She died January 7, 2020 at 66.
I am having emotions about it, but still after living with it for a week, I can’t tell you what those emotions are. It’s weird having feelings you cannot articulate. I mean when you’e sad you can say “I’m sad.” Happy, angry, afraid. Easy. I can’t say I’m feeling (this). To be honest, not much has changed I suppose. It is at the same time, dramatic and anti-climactic. IF I found her when she was alive would I have contacted her? I don’t know. And now, I’ll never know. Probably not though. Maybe I should have just let this one go. There was enough curiosity for me to do what I did, but beyond that there still isn’t much motivation. I assume my birth father is also dead. And from my own dusty, repressed memories I’d probably not want to cross paths with him anyway. My siblings…I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I am little surprised they didn’t seek me out when she died. They’s found me before. They know my name. I’m all over the internet. That’s a question. There’s lots of questions. I just don’t know if I have the desire, motivation or heart to find the answers.
So tl;dr I found my biological mother last week. She’s dead. And I’m having feelings.